January 2012
jezebelsdrunk asked: i follow you on twitter also and saw your tweet about spending tonight by yourself. aren't you worried that spending NYE alone will be boring? what about it setting a lonely theme for 2012? just curious...
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December 2011
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drinkyourjuice:
As we roll into 2012, let’s try to remember that women existed before Bridesmaids and that calling 2011 the year of the funny woman is like me calling the act of finally watching My So Called Life on Netflix Instant its series premiere.
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saved by Cheers
I’m not even all that affected by the fact that this guy that I really, really love just got into a relationship with another girl because I’m watching the last episode of Cheers that the Coach is on right now and his death and departure from the show is a bigger tragedy than my love life, which was already pretty depressing way before I even started watching this show.
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“I’m not self-centered, but is your Facebook status about me by any chance?”
– Shit that makes me howl with laughter.
My Mom’s boyfriend is over right now and they are sitting on the couch looking at old photographs of my family together and he keeps calling her “baby” and I feel like barfing because it is 1998 and I am 14 years old all over again.
Except the big difference between 1998 and 2011 is that I can drink now so I keep slamming my wine glass on the kitchen counter, all...
my brother is playing Grand Theft Auto
Me: You just start shooting people for no reason?
Bro: Yes.
Bro: Let me find a group of gang bangers and blow myself up in front of them.
Me: Why do you like this game.
Bro, as he throws a hand grenade at a cab driver: Teresa, I like this game because you can fly.
“Why is there so much self-denigration and envy? Because every woman somehow...”
– Nancy Etcoff, Survival of the Prettiest (via dancewiththedevilonyourback)
Said far better than I ever could. That’s why I end up unwittingly comparing myself
(via alllllll-of-the-spectacular)
No person my Mother dates ever stands a chance with me. The ironic thing is that they all automatically love me and try so hard to win me over. Every. Time. It’s like when a dog knows you don’t like it, the first thing it does is hump your fucking leg. It’s exactly like that.
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My favorite anagrams of MERYL STREEP
bobbyfinger:
Merely Strep
Tempers Rely
Meters Reply
Spree Myrtle
Peeler Ms Try
Eel Sperm Try
Lee Sperm Try
Leper Rest My
Repels Me Try
Lepers Me Try
Elms Type Err
Smelt Rep Rye
Smelt Per Rye
Reply Me Rest
Rely Em Strep
cinemas-:
I’m funny and I can cook/bake so what I’m saying is pop culture has told me that I should either have a boyfriend, a bakery, or both by now and I’m incredibly disappointed.
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My Mom has this incessant need to fix everything for other people. I guess it may be a Mom thing, which is just another reason why I probably should not have kids. My stance is if you can’t help yourself, there is nothing I can do for you. My Mom thinks that this is really unmerciful of me and I have to constantly remind her that I am not Jesus Christ and neither is she.
My brother’s...
i’m just trying to write things that don’t sound like they belong on thought catalog.
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“Imagine if I won a million dollars. Damn. First thing I would do is leave your...”
– My brother-in-law has plans for when he wins the lotto.
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icarntspell asked: What's your biggest dating deal breaker?
Anonymous asked: What's your favorite candy?
theblueprint asked: a year's supply of which booze?
“That guy’s a rich motherfucker.”
– My Grandpa, on Richard Gere
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“Ah this chingadera is no good, throw it away.”
– My Grandpa, on the iPad.
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My sister just called to tell me that my nephew is...
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