Maybe I just need to be rich so that I may be bicoastal

I’m getting the itch to go some place new again. Not forever and I’ll always come back to this island, but New York, which was once so foreign and terrifying and strange, has become second nature to me now.

I can take a downtown D train, then transfer at 42nd street to take the 7 train into Queens without ever looking up from reading the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar on my iPhone. That is a kind of familiarity that is both comforting and boring.

The thing that I forgot about cross-country moves is that everything feels exactly the same in Eastern Standard Time as it did in Pacific. Heartbreak feels the same. It still takes my breath away and confines me to my bed and sometimes a bottle of whiskey, yet somehow heartbreak in NYC is different. It’s bearable. I can take the train to Bryant Park and look up at the Empire State Building and it’ll all be fine because I live in New York. I am still the same person, fundamentally, yet somehow I’m not at all the same person. It is a mind-fuck and maybe I am addicted to that feeling of renewal. Maybe I’m addicted to mind-fucks. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I’m not bored here, far from it. New York has given me a confidence and a toughnes that I think was always just sitting below my surface, waiting. I’m always discovering new things about myself here and that is never monotonous.

Maybe I just need a vacation. I need temperatures higher than 45 degrees. I need sangria, poolside. Sunglasses that leave a little red dent on my nose from wearing them all day. Bronzed legs and a cracked window to let in warm air.

That thing within myself that pulled me to NYC, whatever it is; I don’t know what to call it, is something fierce. I am not sure if it’ll ever be quiet or happy. I don’t know that I’ll ever be satisfied to call just one city home and that’s something that worries me.

9 Notes/ Hide

  1. baileyadavis said: Reading this whilst sitting in Montreal waiting to take a train back to Toronto and I can say this: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
  2. cinemas- said: I’ve been thinking a lot about moving this summer to New York to get away from here. Of course I’ll still have bad days in NYC, but they’ll be better than a bad day here. We’re having the same kinds of thoughts today. PS: I adore you.
  3. teresasaurusrex posted this